My name is…well that isn’t really that important. I am 30 years old and I am alone. I am afraid to be alone and to live alone, but a Doctor said it was good for me; because I have abandonment issues and it would help me overcome them. Well, now I’m just paranoid and always afraid someone is out to get me. Other than that, I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am known to be suicidal and prone to being self-destructive. I am far from skinny and I will never be there, nor do I want to be. I don’t want to be because no one sees me at the size that I am right now, so if I lose weight…would you ever really see me. I am broken and damaged. I come with some heavy baggage; baggage that isn’t going anywhere. Mine is the type that you cannot outrun, no matter how hard you try.
Now that you know a little about me. Let me bore you with some more details.
When I said I live alone, it’s not by choice…I just seem to always run people off and push them away. I don’t mean to push them away and make them leave. I’m sorry that it always ends up that way, but I guess I am just looking for that person who can match their baggage with mine or don’t mind the added weight…get it…added…weight. Nope…failed again. See, I always seem to fail at everything I do. I try so hard and put so much effort into the things I do, but no matter how hard I try I end up always failing.
See, Life shouldn’t be this hard and I know people have it way worse than I do… But you truly can never compare someone’s problems with your own because what is important to me, may not be important to you.
Life can be so lonely, even though there are billions of people on this planet. See I think about that and I laugh because I seem to push everyone I come into contact with, away. Just picture it…one person walking through the crowd and everyone backs away from them like they have a disease. But they don’t, they’ve just scared them all away.
I am that person, the person who everyone assumes has a disease or the worst attitude out there. In reality, I just want someone to talk to me…someone to hear me and see me.
I want to feel again. TO BE ALIVE.
I say to be alive because the way my life is going; the way I feel…I’m not truly living and breaks me even more.
Life isn’t supposed to be this hard, but for me, I’m drowning.
Life Used to be Simple 