When you suffer from Bipolar – depression, like me, it takes everything that you have to keep fighting, to not give in to the darkness that tries to surround you. The battle becomes tougher each day to be happy and when things do not go right, then you feel as if the whole world is against you. Life seems to never go your way and you feel as if everyone is stabbing you in the back. You know with every inch of you that no matter what you do, you will never have nor will be good enough for anyone. Distance starts to become your friend and you begin to push people away because who would want someone like you. Who would want a damaged person as yourself? There is a hole in your heart and nothing can fill it so you start to drink, sleep around, anything just to feel a little less empty. The days start to blur together, you lose track of time and sleep. You force yourself to eat because you know you have to eat, but food means nothing to you. Nothing seems to matter anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, there are good days too, they really are great. You start to see a light at the end of the tunnel and feel the empty hole filled in with nothingness. You enjoy every moment of the good days because you never know when they will be gone. You do everything you can to keep the good days with you and try to come up with ways to remain happy, that you forget to enjoy them. You start to battle the happiness because you know the bad days are coming and before you know it, you have slipped into depression again. You have once again let the darkness win. You try to reach out to someone that you trust and let them in, but that always come crashing down because you don’t and can’t trust anyone. So the good days start coming around less and less; and before you know it, there are no more good days. You have officially given up hope.
And in the moments of when you feel like hope is lost and people have told you that they care, you feel as if they are lying to you. You do not know what is true anymore and it breaks your heart even more. Living a life with Bipolar – depression is one of the hardest things that you will have to deal with because one moment you are happy and having fun, and the next you are crying your eyes out because you feel unwanted. There are times when it takes nothing to provoke the tears from falling and you cannot stop them either. The tears will fall, your mind will start to wonder, and your heart will break all over again. With Bipolar – depression, you have to find a way to heal your heart each time that the depression leaves because it will break again the moment that it returns.
A few things that I have realized with living with this disease, is that there are some things that can be avoided to lessen the chances of having an episode; yes an episode. These moments of depression or even days, they are episodes because these times will pass and you will survive them if you want to. Find the things, the moments, the people that help with these episodes and cling to them. If it is a person, just don’t cling for too long or too hard because it can scare that person away. Don’t fall for the person that you cling to because that person will most likely not feel the same about you. Once that person is gone, then here comes the pain and the episode that comes along with the pain. Now, this type of episodes never goes away, it is like a rerun that just never goes off the air. It will come and go through the days, months, and yes, even years. It is one of the toughest episodes to move on from.
Life is tricky some times, in the instance of not knowing what will trigger the depression, but one thing is for sure…after too many times of the same feelings over and over again, you start to go insane. Life doesn’t matter anymore and you stop caring about living. You go through the motions of existing because that is what you are doing, just existing. So why not end it all because no one just wants to exist in this world, they want to be a part of it. Live in the world with someone and be loved. Love, what even is that anymore…to a person with Bipolar- depression, love means nothing and is nothing. They have been hurt so many times that love is just a word that has no precedence in their life anymore. They want to love and be loved, but don’t know how to let someone in and trust that they are safe with that person because the last thing they need is to be hurt again.
Let’s not forget the added stress that comes with life, work and people…these are things that cannot always be avoided, but can and will trigger an episode. Now the worst part of these types of episodes is the fact that they are unavoidable for the most part and will ruin the mood, your life, and job. When work is involved, then you start to second guess yourself and everything you say because the last thing you need is to get in trouble or fired because there is no coming back from that. Now with life in general, being hurt for almost all of your whole life, you cannot help but wonder why were you even put here to be continuously hurt and abused. It is never okay to be hurt, especially those who you thought would be there for you, the ones that claim to care. “Stay strong, you’ll get through this, it’s only a phase,” they say. It’s never just a phase and you won’t get through this…you may get through the episode, but the damage is still there. The damage has been done and there is nothing that can take that away, no matter how hard they or you try.
It is the end of the line. The tears have all been cried, the words have all be said and the moments have all came crashing down…so what else is there? Is there another chapter in this madness of a life you live or is this story* completely over?
*Story – a life, a life lost to a disease called Bipolar- depression.
Life Used to be Simple 